Morning Maniacs

School was cancelled for the year due to the Corona virus but that didnt mean learning time was over. 

It took a few weeks to get learning materials and items ready for students to be able to learn from home and when it finally started all the kids were so whiny.. 

I don't want to do this... 

Do I have to do this now??

This is hard...

Im not doing that! 

One day during a video conference, mom walked into the room, she could see the screen and the teacher but couldnt hear anything .. 

Hey, what you up to she asked.

Startled, kid jumped, oops! I didnt mean to

Didny mean to what? Did you.. did you just.. did you mute your teacher???? 

But then one day after almost 3 weeks of pulling her hair out she woke up and came downstairs to fund the kid sitting doing his work all by himself, no prompts, no nagging, just working like he had taken ownership of his life!!! And she was so proud! 

You dont get to determine my happiness.

When you decide your opinion needs to be heard and you deliver it in a manner that affects someones soul I lose respect for you but not myself. I know you do not care whether i respect you or not and i know i am insignificant on your road map of life. Your children are yours and thats the way it should be but you are damaging them and I cant watch that.

You are creating a reality that you never had, you are doing exactly what was done to you in a manner that is some what new age but completely the same. You will be viewed as radical. The only reason you meet no resistance is because they never see you, they have the distance that creates mystery, the mystery creates a false sense of intrigue. Their young minds are craving your attention and approval. You say you are raising them to think for themselves yet you are the one doing the thinking, laying down the laws. Enforcing your views like the fascist that you are. Give them the facts and allow them to make their own choices.

I dont care what people think of me
I expect better from myself
I dont allow people to judge me, i dont allow their judgement to affect my soul.
I expect to be criticized, i expect to be treated as unacceptable. I expect people to reject me. I expect to be the last picked, the unexciting, the least important,the non invited, the coutesy laugh. I expect to be taken advantage of. I allow myself these to control how my life unfolds. These weaknesses are what allows me to be strong, when i lower my expectations, i raise my own personal standards. When i grow personally, i refuse to allow the weeds to grow with me. I become the most important person to me, i hear my own criticism and i hear my self love. I accept me, I pick me, i am excited by me. Me. I am Love, i am acceptance, i am life. My laugh laughs loudest for me, the happiness radiates my soul and unfolds a genuine emotion that glistens on my brow, my heart ache and life burdens fall away and i am strong. 

Teen years in SA

Dad

2018

My dad visited me on his birthday weekend. I woke up to his presence. Unexplainable moods. laughter, sadness and tears all weekend, grief is brutal still.  Happy birthday dad, cannot believe it been close to a decade without you. I see you in my family, I hear you in my thoughts, I feel you in my heart. Every. Single. Day. I love you. Come visit more often next time bring less tears. Xxx #soulache #family #legenddad

2019

10 November 1936. My Dad would have been 83 today, 8 years have gone by since he passed on. I often wonder what he would think about the world we live in today. So much has changed in the world in 8 years, but then I look around and I feel him nearby. I hear his echo in my sisters words as they walk the paths he and my mom walked before them with love in their hearts and change in their soul. I see his passion in their work with the communities around the world in all kinds of different capacities he would be so proud of! I feel his warmth in my brothers, it's a special kind of warmth, it's the kind of love and warmth that is always inclusive, inviting and riddled with bad humor and questioning enough to make you think twice always about your choices. I see my son Morgan walking, my dads walk. I hear my daughter Jesca, speak to her siblings with the same zest he would use. I see his kindness in Nathan's eyes and the loyalty and passion for reading that Ava has. I wish so much that he could see them grow, could hear them argue for fun, could see them as they become these human beings I am so proud of. My parents gave us so many wonderful gifts, ones that were never wrapped in paper but were wrapped in love just as we were. I love you Dad. Pawpaw fruit salad in your honor. We miss you, but you are never far from our thoughts and our hearts. Xxx

Dad

Dad

2018

My dad visited me on his birthday weekend. I woke up to his presence. Unexplainable moods. laughter, sadness and tears all weekend, grief is brutal still.  Happy birthday dad, cannot believe it been close to a decade without you. I see you in my family, I hear you in my thoughts, I feel you in my heart. Every. Single. Day. I love you. Come visit more often next time bring less tears. Xxx #soulache #family #legenddad

2019

10 November 1936. My Dad would have been 83 today, 8 years have gone by since he passed on. I often wonder what he would think about the world we live in today. So much has changed in the world in 8 years, but then I look around and I feel him nearby. I hear his echo in my sisters words as they walk the paths he and my mom walked before them with love in their hearts and change in their soul. I see his passion in their work with the communities around the world in all kinds of different capacities he would be so proud of! I feel his warmth in my brothers, it's a special kind of warmth, it's the kind of love and warmth that is always inclusive, inviting and riddled with bad humor and questioning enough to make you think twice always about your choices. I see my son Morgan walking, my dads walk. I hear my daughter Jesca, speak to her siblings with the same zest he would use. I see his kindness in Nathan's eyes and the loyalty and passion for reading that Ava has. I wish so much that he could see them grow, could hear them argue for fun, could see them as they become these human beings I am so proud of. My parents gave us so many wonderful gifts, ones that were never wrapped in paper but were wrapped in love just as we were. I love you Dad. Pawpaw fruit salad in your honor. We miss you, but you are never far from our thoughts and our hearts. Xxx

Run.

Running

Can I run?

I can walk. 

I can try jogging. 

I want to run. 

I run.

It hurts. 

I walk. I rest. I walk. 

I want to run. 

I walk. Jog. Run. 

I run. 

I try. 

I hurt. 

I run. I walk. I rest. 

I run. 

It hurts. I rest. 

I want to run. 

I learn. 

I rest. 

I learn.

I listen.

I train.

I eat.

I hydrate.

I prepare.

I visualise.

I plan. 

I sleep.

I rest.

I rest.

I eat.

I hydrate.

I run. 

I'm free.

A voice I found

Recently, I have discovered a different aspect to my entire self. It is so suprising and intriguing to feel it unfold within me. My reflection in the mirror tells me I should be fully grown and aware, I should be done with growing and should be at full capacity for new things to learn. Increasingly I find this obtuse. I find the more I think I know, the more there is to know, the more I want to know, the more I Google. So when this new bit of me started creeping out I wasn't quite sure where or how to channel it. For a long time I interpreted it as excess energy, an endorphin high after a great Zumba class. Then after a long time withoiut endorphins as an excuse, it manifested into insomnia. Long hours of restless tossing and turning and excessive cleaning and sorting to try and figure out why sleep would evade me like it does. All through this time I sort out technological devices to distract me, to entertain me to help me endure the insufferable hours of torment that came each night after dear husband fell asleep and all the lil bods were soundly asleep. I sort out mind-numbing games that encouraged one to burn rope, crush candy and guess that song! In my search for the next application that would be installed to make the next night fly by and hopefully get some sleep. I discovered my old blog now had a mobile edition. Reading through some of my posts, giggling and scrunching up my face, I sat back and realised something. All those nights, all those hours of trying to get my brain to switch off, all the times I lay awake staring at the ceiling, every time I was still washing laundry and rearranging furniture at two in the morning, my mind was running at full speed, predicting the future, contemplating the past, hoping for a miracle, planning a vacation, organising everyone's schedules, imagining what may come, being excited by possibility, praying for change, encouraging persistence, striving for success! All those times I thought my mind was a naughty child. All those times I thought my body would die of exhaustion if my brain didn't shut up. Now becomes clear to me, my mind was searching for a voice. Could it be that I can write? Could it be that encouraging my thoughts to squeeze out through my fingertips would quiet the buzz in my head? I push through, convinced I have found the solution, and in so doing I am discovering that I have a voice. I have a voice. I have found that in so doing I can have release, I can breathe. I can sleep. Sleep. I am not sure what my voice wants to say, I am hoping it is something worth hearing. So far it wants to tell children's stories and short folk stories. It's contemplating a biography and is convinced it can write a best-seller. This voice inside is so loud, I am not sure why it took me so long to hear it so clearly. It could be that like a busy parent I was constantly telling it to hold on while I cleaned, hold on while I finished this level, hold while I see what this couch looks like on that wall until eventually it threw a little tantrum and I heard, I hear it so clearly when I sit, it has an opinion on almost everything, it's a smartass most of the time but quite deep and emotional. This voice I've found won't be silenced, and I think I have found a way to let it out. I do hope someone other than myself will enjoy hearing it's tales and opinions, but even if it's just me, I believe that will be enough.

Man's best friend

Long, long time ago there lived a man and his dog. He lived a humble life and always did what was right. Every morning he would get up and tend to his farm, collect the eggs, feed the pigs and milk the cow. He took good care of his farm and he was happy. His dog had been with him such a very long time and every day he would follow him around the house and while he worked and around the farm. The dog saw how he was so gentle with the chickens, they clucked softly as he collected eggs. The dog saw how he was so sweet to the pigs, they squealed in delight when they saw him. The dog saw how well he tended the cow, milking just enough and never hurting her one bit. She moo-ed when he was done. 
Late one afternoon the clouds turned black and heavy, the man put the animals in the barn, there was clearly a storm coming. The man and the dog settled in front of the fire for the night. Outside the rain poured down and thunder and lightning lit up the skies. The dog began scratching at the door. The man shoo-ed the dog away, it was too wet to go out now. Still, the dog scratched at the door whining. Looking up at his master the dog begged to be let out. The man sighed a deep long sigh. He had better let the dog out he thought. The man looked down at the dog and told him to be quick and come right back. The dog scratched at the door. So the man let him out. Out the dog ran faster than ever before. The man was worried about his dog. So he paced at the door awaiting the dogs return. After an hour the man was frantic. The storm had not let up and the dog had not returned. The man stood at his open front door and called the dog over and over again. Alas, the dog did not return. Finally in the early hours of the morning the storm let up and the man went out in search of his dog. The land was muddy and waterlogged, but there was no sign of his dog. The man went to the town in search of his dog, but no one there had seen him. The man went door to door for weeks looking for his dog, but none of his neighbours had seen his dog. In the weeks and months that passed the man went to all the surrounding farms and towns in search for his dog, and still there was no sign of his beloved dog. Then he heard of a lady in a nearby town who had found a dog the same colour as his, so he went to see her, but it was not his dog. A year had passed and the man had still not found his dog, but still he did not give up searching for him. Each week he would go into town and ask the townsfolk. Each week they would tell him the same thing, his dog had either found a better home or been killed in the storm. The man refused to believe his dog was dead, he was a smart dog, he was a clever dog surely there must be an answer to where he was. 

One afternoon the clouds turned black, a storm was coming in. Before the first raindrops dropped there was a knock on the door. As man rose to open it he heard a loud scratching on the door. His eyes widened, could it be? He shook his head his ears must be playing tricks on him dogs don't knock. Again there came a knock on the door. So the man stood to open it. As he opened the door, his dog bounded in and licked his face. Oh! It was a happy reunion, as he looked up he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen! She smiled at him, she wondered why her dog liked this man so much? The man was speechless, her beauty was enough to make him fumble his words. The woman explained that she drove her carriage by his farm every week and every week her dog would moan and try to get out as they passed by. She told the the man that tonight her carriage had gotten stuck in a deep pothole and with the storm coming she decided to seek shelter here on his farm. The man smiled and told her she was welcome to stay as long as she needed. He told her how he had lost his dog the previous year in a similar storm. The woman realised her dog was this man's dog. She told the man a curious story. In the storm last year she was driving her carriage when some bandits attacked her and were trying to rob her of her belongings, when they almost assaulted her, but this dog had come to her rescue and scared the thieves off. Her belongings were taken but her carriage was fine, so she bundled her canine saviour into the carriage and rode to the next town where they sought shelter from the storm. The next day she left for Paris for a year and she took the dog along, she had just returned a few months ago, and so had never known the dogs owner was looking for him. She had just assumed he was a stray. Truly though the woman explained, this dog saved my life. The man was astounded by her story, he explained how the dog had begged to go out that night, and how he had searched and searched for his dog and never given up hope! Both the woman and the man loved the dog so much that they decided to share him. They spent so much time with each other and their dog that they eventually fell in love. The love was so pure and true and they were married on a beautiful spring day with the dog as their ring beare. They all lived happily on the farm. The dog was well loved and he watched as the happy couple cared for each other, they always had kind words for each other and always helped each other in their daily activities. The dog saw how they laughed and sang together. The dog saw how they cried tears of joy when they found out they would be parents! They dog saw how they supported each other as they cried tears of grief when the mans' parents passed away. The dog saw how the woman would mend the man's socks and fix his meals with love in her eyes and a song on her lips. The dog saw how the man made the baby crib out of wood with love in his heart and whistling his tune. The dog was quite old now and the couple had been through so much together. One night there was a storm and the woman who was quite close to having her baby went into labor. The phone lines were down and there was no way to call a doctor. The man was frantic, wrought with worry for his wife. The dog was scratching at the door. Whining loudly. The man shoo-ed him away. Still the dog scratched at the door. The man opened the door and let him out without thinking. He was too busy boiling water and worried about his wife and how they would get the baby safely delivered. A little while later there was a knock on the door. The man was surprised. He went to answer it and there on his doorstep stood his wife's doctor. The man told him his wife was in labour and how did he know to come? The doctor looked at the man astonished. The man's wife was in danger and without the doctor her condition could worsen. He went and got his bag from his car and got to delivering the couple's beautiful baby girl. As the happy couple was sitting cuddling their beautiful new baby, the man suddenly remembered that his dog had not come back. He got ready to go out and look when the doctor stopped him. He told him how he was about to close his office for the day when he saw the man's dog walking in the street. He recognised his dog from all the times the man had come asking about the dog when it was missing. When the doctor approached the dog, the dog had collapsed. The doctor brought the dog into his car and had examined him but it seemed that due to the dogs old age and exhaustion there was not much to do. He was driving the dog to the farmers house when along the way the dog had silently passed away in his sleep on the way. When the doctor knocked on the door, it was to tell the man that his dog was dead, but when the man told him his wife was in labour and the doctor realised how critical his wife was, the doctor decided to wait to tell him. Their dog had saved the lives of the woman and their baby. The man and woman cried silently at this news. Their dog had been so good to them, had brought them together and had been such a source of happiness and love. They thanked the doctor for all his help and the man and the doctor went onto the farm to properly bury the dog. In the spring the woman planted irises and daisies on the spot where their dog lay. The man and the woman laughed and cried when they told their baby girl stories of their dog and how he had brought them together. Whenever it stormed the man would open the door and laugh, thanking his dog for his beautiful family and all the love the dog shared with them. As their daughter grew up the couple got two new puppies. One girl and one boy. They named the boy in honor of their dog and they named the girl daisy. The man and the woman grew very old together and their daughter grew up and married giving them three grandchildren, but they never forgot the love they shared for their dear friend, their dog.