A voice I found

Recently, I have discovered a different aspect to my entire self. It is so suprising and intriguing to feel it unfold within me. My reflection in the mirror tells me I should be fully grown and aware, I should be done with growing and should be at full capacity for new things to learn. Increasingly I find this obtuse. I find the more I think I know, the more there is to know, the more I want to know, the more I Google. So when this new bit of me started creeping out I wasn't quite sure where or how to channel it. For a long time I interpreted it as excess energy, an endorphin high after a great Zumba class. Then after a long time withoiut endorphins as an excuse, it manifested into insomnia. Long hours of restless tossing and turning and excessive cleaning and sorting to try and figure out why sleep would evade me like it does. All through this time I sort out technological devices to distract me, to entertain me to help me endure the insufferable hours of torment that came each night after dear husband fell asleep and all the lil bods were soundly asleep. I sort out mind-numbing games that encouraged one to burn rope, crush candy and guess that song! In my search for the next application that would be installed to make the next night fly by and hopefully get some sleep. I discovered my old blog now had a mobile edition. Reading through some of my posts, giggling and scrunching up my face, I sat back and realised something. All those nights, all those hours of trying to get my brain to switch off, all the times I lay awake staring at the ceiling, every time I was still washing laundry and rearranging furniture at two in the morning, my mind was running at full speed, predicting the future, contemplating the past, hoping for a miracle, planning a vacation, organising everyone's schedules, imagining what may come, being excited by possibility, praying for change, encouraging persistence, striving for success! All those times I thought my mind was a naughty child. All those times I thought my body would die of exhaustion if my brain didn't shut up. Now becomes clear to me, my mind was searching for a voice. Could it be that I can write? Could it be that encouraging my thoughts to squeeze out through my fingertips would quiet the buzz in my head? I push through, convinced I have found the solution, and in so doing I am discovering that I have a voice. I have a voice. I have found that in so doing I can have release, I can breathe. I can sleep. Sleep. I am not sure what my voice wants to say, I am hoping it is something worth hearing. So far it wants to tell children's stories and short folk stories. It's contemplating a biography and is convinced it can write a best-seller. This voice inside is so loud, I am not sure why it took me so long to hear it so clearly. It could be that like a busy parent I was constantly telling it to hold on while I cleaned, hold on while I finished this level, hold while I see what this couch looks like on that wall until eventually it threw a little tantrum and I heard, I hear it so clearly when I sit, it has an opinion on almost everything, it's a smartass most of the time but quite deep and emotional. This voice I've found won't be silenced, and I think I have found a way to let it out. I do hope someone other than myself will enjoy hearing it's tales and opinions, but even if it's just me, I believe that will be enough.

Man's best friend

Long, long time ago there lived a man and his dog. He lived a humble life and always did what was right. Every morning he would get up and tend to his farm, collect the eggs, feed the pigs and milk the cow. He took good care of his farm and he was happy. His dog had been with him such a very long time and every day he would follow him around the house and while he worked and around the farm. The dog saw how he was so gentle with the chickens, they clucked softly as he collected eggs. The dog saw how he was so sweet to the pigs, they squealed in delight when they saw him. The dog saw how well he tended the cow, milking just enough and never hurting her one bit. She moo-ed when he was done. 
Late one afternoon the clouds turned black and heavy, the man put the animals in the barn, there was clearly a storm coming. The man and the dog settled in front of the fire for the night. Outside the rain poured down and thunder and lightning lit up the skies. The dog began scratching at the door. The man shoo-ed the dog away, it was too wet to go out now. Still, the dog scratched at the door whining. Looking up at his master the dog begged to be let out. The man sighed a deep long sigh. He had better let the dog out he thought. The man looked down at the dog and told him to be quick and come right back. The dog scratched at the door. So the man let him out. Out the dog ran faster than ever before. The man was worried about his dog. So he paced at the door awaiting the dogs return. After an hour the man was frantic. The storm had not let up and the dog had not returned. The man stood at his open front door and called the dog over and over again. Alas, the dog did not return. Finally in the early hours of the morning the storm let up and the man went out in search of his dog. The land was muddy and waterlogged, but there was no sign of his dog. The man went to the town in search of his dog, but no one there had seen him. The man went door to door for weeks looking for his dog, but none of his neighbours had seen his dog. In the weeks and months that passed the man went to all the surrounding farms and towns in search for his dog, and still there was no sign of his beloved dog. Then he heard of a lady in a nearby town who had found a dog the same colour as his, so he went to see her, but it was not his dog. A year had passed and the man had still not found his dog, but still he did not give up searching for him. Each week he would go into town and ask the townsfolk. Each week they would tell him the same thing, his dog had either found a better home or been killed in the storm. The man refused to believe his dog was dead, he was a smart dog, he was a clever dog surely there must be an answer to where he was. 

One afternoon the clouds turned black, a storm was coming in. Before the first raindrops dropped there was a knock on the door. As man rose to open it he heard a loud scratching on the door. His eyes widened, could it be? He shook his head his ears must be playing tricks on him dogs don't knock. Again there came a knock on the door. So the man stood to open it. As he opened the door, his dog bounded in and licked his face. Oh! It was a happy reunion, as he looked up he saw the most beautiful woman he had ever seen! She smiled at him, she wondered why her dog liked this man so much? The man was speechless, her beauty was enough to make him fumble his words. The woman explained that she drove her carriage by his farm every week and every week her dog would moan and try to get out as they passed by. She told the the man that tonight her carriage had gotten stuck in a deep pothole and with the storm coming she decided to seek shelter here on his farm. The man smiled and told her she was welcome to stay as long as she needed. He told her how he had lost his dog the previous year in a similar storm. The woman realised her dog was this man's dog. She told the man a curious story. In the storm last year she was driving her carriage when some bandits attacked her and were trying to rob her of her belongings, when they almost assaulted her, but this dog had come to her rescue and scared the thieves off. Her belongings were taken but her carriage was fine, so she bundled her canine saviour into the carriage and rode to the next town where they sought shelter from the storm. The next day she left for Paris for a year and she took the dog along, she had just returned a few months ago, and so had never known the dogs owner was looking for him. She had just assumed he was a stray. Truly though the woman explained, this dog saved my life. The man was astounded by her story, he explained how the dog had begged to go out that night, and how he had searched and searched for his dog and never given up hope! Both the woman and the man loved the dog so much that they decided to share him. They spent so much time with each other and their dog that they eventually fell in love. The love was so pure and true and they were married on a beautiful spring day with the dog as their ring beare. They all lived happily on the farm. The dog was well loved and he watched as the happy couple cared for each other, they always had kind words for each other and always helped each other in their daily activities. The dog saw how they laughed and sang together. The dog saw how they cried tears of joy when they found out they would be parents! They dog saw how they supported each other as they cried tears of grief when the mans' parents passed away. The dog saw how the woman would mend the man's socks and fix his meals with love in her eyes and a song on her lips. The dog saw how the man made the baby crib out of wood with love in his heart and whistling his tune. The dog was quite old now and the couple had been through so much together. One night there was a storm and the woman who was quite close to having her baby went into labor. The phone lines were down and there was no way to call a doctor. The man was frantic, wrought with worry for his wife. The dog was scratching at the door. Whining loudly. The man shoo-ed him away. Still the dog scratched at the door. The man opened the door and let him out without thinking. He was too busy boiling water and worried about his wife and how they would get the baby safely delivered. A little while later there was a knock on the door. The man was surprised. He went to answer it and there on his doorstep stood his wife's doctor. The man told him his wife was in labour and how did he know to come? The doctor looked at the man astonished. The man's wife was in danger and without the doctor her condition could worsen. He went and got his bag from his car and got to delivering the couple's beautiful baby girl. As the happy couple was sitting cuddling their beautiful new baby, the man suddenly remembered that his dog had not come back. He got ready to go out and look when the doctor stopped him. He told him how he was about to close his office for the day when he saw the man's dog walking in the street. He recognised his dog from all the times the man had come asking about the dog when it was missing. When the doctor approached the dog, the dog had collapsed. The doctor brought the dog into his car and had examined him but it seemed that due to the dogs old age and exhaustion there was not much to do. He was driving the dog to the farmers house when along the way the dog had silently passed away in his sleep on the way. When the doctor knocked on the door, it was to tell the man that his dog was dead, but when the man told him his wife was in labour and the doctor realised how critical his wife was, the doctor decided to wait to tell him. Their dog had saved the lives of the woman and their baby. The man and woman cried silently at this news. Their dog had been so good to them, had brought them together and had been such a source of happiness and love. They thanked the doctor for all his help and the man and the doctor went onto the farm to properly bury the dog. In the spring the woman planted irises and daisies on the spot where their dog lay. The man and the woman laughed and cried when they told their baby girl stories of their dog and how he had brought them together. Whenever it stormed the man would open the door and laugh, thanking his dog for his beautiful family and all the love the dog shared with them. As their daughter grew up the couple got two new puppies. One girl and one boy. They named the boy in honor of their dog and they named the girl daisy. The man and the woman grew very old together and their daughter grew up and married giving them three grandchildren, but they never forgot the love they shared for their dear friend, their dog.  

Zahlo: achieving life

Introduction

As the metro train approaches the Kalker Dock Station in the early hours of Monday morning, the trains wheels squeal on the rails.
The sight of the ocean in the early morning light, waves gently licking the rocks as the gulls circled the harbour. As the train pulls into sight, the crowd moves forward on the platform, as they do everyday embarking on the new day. They push and plunge into the depth of the overcrowded carriage. School children laugh and greet each other. Some gentlemen step aside to give their seats to over-sized ladies. 

Further back in the carriage she sits. Pregnant. Her bag is laden with books and assignments due and past due. She sits reading a third language course book. Pregnant.  Her school uniform, white shirt and stripped tie, her bulky jersey pulled over her stomach and skirt, too long, an over-sized blazer with the school crest hides the facts. Pregnant. The train pulls into the station, she pushes her way out, she's late! The train was late again. She is so tired lately. As she walks into the hustle and bustle of the street crowd making its way through the busy city centre she sees street vendors and business men, taxi drivers and hooligans. Pregnant. She walks past the police station, the Magistrates court, the public gardens, daunting buildings where your future is determined when you make bad decisions. Some young children pass her laughing on their way to school, happy and carefree, she remembers being them, worry free. As she enters the school gates finally at her destination, the Dominican High School for Girls, she sighs; pregnant. 

Chapter One

"Good Morning Marva!" Someone calls out. Head down she makes it down the hallway to homeroom. Trying to disappear she sits in the back. The class is noisy, a bit more than usual. Whispers and giggles, looks of shock and scandal! "Hey Marva! " Its Carol, class genius. She takes the seat in front and turns to face her :" Did you hear the big scandal? Someone in our year is pregnant! I think its Clarissa, she's been 'out sick' almost 3 days and we all know how she parties!"  She is saved from commenting as the teacher enters. They all stand and greet her in unison. Mrs Briggs gets out the attendance register  and calls the girls names alphabetically :" Sisulu, Johanna, yes, I see you, nice haircut! Wakefield, Marigold? She calls out each girls name, the girls sit in silence as she does, they are to always be polite, well-mannered ladies. Yes, and lastly Zahlo, Marva? OK, I know you are all excited for the dance this weekend, lets just get through this week, have a great day girls!" She dismisses them to their lessons. Marva skulks through the week, avoiding conversation and direct eye contact. The burden is over-bearing, she's in denial, no its not denial, maybe its guilt. She has no clue how to solve her predicament. Every adult will be disappointed and and pity her, the shame, she cannot face the shame. Every adult will feel anger at her foolishness, she has no one to confide in, she has no one who will not judge immediately. Eve is sitting on the train with her, going home, the train is late as always. "Why did you ignore me the other morning? I know you heard me, you been so weird this week, whats going on?"  Marva fiddled with her backpack straps, eyes downcast. "It's nothing, I just got stuff on my mind, school stuff, just a lot to catch up." Eve laughed, " Ya, you and me both, last year of High school, we can do it man, we scrape past every year!" Eve laughed, they had, somehow managed every year to leave assignments and test prep to the last minutes and still been ok. No matter what this year, she was going to pass, no matter what, she decided right there, she would get through this year.

The school week drags by, Thursday arrives, the day for her last dress fitting. Marva and her mother have been designing her dress for the dance for months. Heavy Satin in a damask creme fabric was selected, when Marva saw it in the Fabric shop window, she had to have it, she walked by it for weeks before finally building up the courage to ask her mother if she could chose that fabric. She was pleasantly surprised her mother had agreed. Her mother was always keeping it conservative and Marva passively accepting. Her dressmaker was an old family friend. Marva's father grew up with her husband and they fishes together, well respected community elders and upstanding men. Marva undressed to her under garments; as she got into the dress her dressmaker zips her up and clucks :" Mm, you picked up some extra baggage it seems, I will let these seams out some, I know you love bread and pastries, but for heavens sake child, just two more days till the dance, can you stay away from it, so all my hard work is rewarded?" Marva sheepishly steps out of the dress :" Yes Miss Sally, I will." Her pulse races hoping Miss Sally has not figured out her secret she keeps denying.

 Marva meets her mom out in the car, mom looks tired, Dad has not been watching his meds, Mom is not getting enough sleep and as always money is tight. "How was the fitting? Did you tell Miss Sally I will pay her at the end of the month? We have to stop by your brothers school, he has an awards evening. I hope it doesn't run too late, you know how your father gets if dinner is late." Marva settles back in her seat while mother continues to talk. Marva wonders when she will be able to sneak away tonight, she has to see Hassloe, she has to talk to him, he will know what to do. This week has been to full to sneak away to see him. She wonders what time his shift ends at the bar. "Marva! Are you listening?" They have arrived home. Her mother is talking, she has no idea about what. "Mm, yes mom, OK, I have homework I will have dinner later." She is about to go upstairs to her room, her bag is heavy and her head is tired. "Marva, you will come and eat dinner with us. Go wash your hands and set the table."
Seventeen years old but she feels like she is still eight. Marva washes her hands and sets the table for four. Her older brother, Luke, is telling dad about all his awards he got, dad is beaming and they laugh together. No one expects that much of Marva, being the youngest in a larger family, she is not the most important and certainly not the most impressive. After dinner Marva does the dishes, Luke and Dad are still talking college and academia. Mom is falling asleep in the recliner by the TV with her knitting in her lap, probably making a jersey for one of the grandchildren. Luke and Marva are the last two at home, her older siblings are married and living their own lives successfully, happily married and having happily having children!  Marva dries the last of the dishes and goes up to her room. She is so tired, but while Mom is resting she needs to see Hass. She sneaks out the front door, no one hears.

At 10pm the little town is still alive, she walks down the main street, most shops are closed, a few barristers at the Café au Lait are outside smoking, next door at the Silver Horn the music is happy the crowd is rowdy and the air is filled with the aroma of alcohol and fishermen, cigarettes and french fries. Marva walks past the doorman he knows her well, he signals to the barkeep, his face lights up! "Hello gorgeous! What can I get you?" He leans across the bar and kisses her. His eyes glint with menace and lust. He throws a bottle of vodka around, flips it and pours. Slides it over to her. She fingers it lightly, unsure where to start. "Hass, we need to talk..." Eyes big in the restaurant light, she fiddles with her long blonde hair. Her heart is pumping hard and fast, she is scared. "Sure thing babe, I have been wanting to talk to you all week, I have a lil green stuff I thought we could try together? If you want to that is, no pressure!" Marva smiles, unenthusiastically, she looks at her untouched vodka and pushes it away. " What time are you done here? Its serious."
"Hey, hey, hey babe, what's the matter? I can leave now, Steve can close up, Steve! Yeah? OK, let's go!"
Hass opens the door of the VW beetle, the engine has seen better days. "Hassloe, I need a pregnancy test." Marva blurts out the minute they are alone in the bug. Hassloe laughs, clearly he is not taking her seriously. He saunters out of the car into the pharmacy, he comes back with a paper bag and a grin on his face. Tosses the bag her way and drives off. 

She sits in the cold bathroom all alone, her eyes not processing what she sees. The two blue lines staring back at her are ominous. She is convinced she has done this wrong, she must have. This can't be right, she tells herself. Even though in her gut she already knew the truth long before the test. Pregnant. 

Chapter 2

Hassloe was a drifter, unstable and unpredictable. It's what she loved about him but she couldn't envision a stable future with him. She pushed these thoughts out of her mind and told herself she would curb him, teach him, love him and he would melt and mold into a wonderful, loving, caring and respectable husband and father. Oh the life they would lead! The adventures and the happiness they would have! The mother she would be to this child would be loving and caring regardless of the child's academic ability or choices she would love this child and support this child through every little thing life threw at them! 
"Marva! Hey! What you day dreaming about? The girls at school were so damn nosy always wanting to know every detail of every thought! Nothing, just home stuff. Your skirt is short today hey, you looking?" She yelled back:" No man don't be versin! You mos know I'm still with Hass."
"Marva Zahlo, you are wanted in the office." The intercom boomed. Her heart dropped. There were times when her school fees were paid late, she was hauled out of class and sent home until her father's check cleared. Her father worked so hard to put all his children through private Catholic schools. He always paid, sometimes late, but he always did. She gathered her belongings and made her way to the office. The secretary told her to wait, she clutched her bag to herself, aware of eyes monitoring her. She hung her head and waited. Mrs Spruce came out and ushered her in to her office.

"Hello Marva, how are you?"

She just smiled. She nodded her head. 

"I suppose you are wondering why I called you here, you see it has been brought to my attention that you may be in some trouble. So I have to ask you some things is that ok?" 

She nodded. "Marva, I'm just going to ask you straight are you pregnant?" 

Her eyes brimming with tears she let out a breath and said:" I don't know!" 

Mrs Spruce looking sympathetically at her, :"Well do you think you could be?"  She nodded and the tears rolled. "I took a test, but I think I did it wrong, there were two lines but they didn't look like they should. I don't know what to do."

"Marva, I believe you need to see a doctor. Would you like me to go with you to my doctor?" She nodded, her head swimming, this was all so much! 

"Alright then, what about your parents, what shall we do about telling them?"

Marva's eyes widened with fear and sadness, she knew how much of a disappointment this would be to her parents, they expected so much. They worked so hard. Mrs Spruce was still talking.The tears were streaming down her face, warm and soaking.

Marva, you need to tell them by Monday or I will tell them. And Marva, I will do everything in my power to ensure the girls and this school supports you, because you will not drop out, you will finish your schooling here, as you should."

Yes thought Zahlo, that is it, that is what I must do. Just focus on what I can control and finish my school year, I will pass and I will be fine. No matter what happens.

Chapter 3

She lay in bed Saturday morning, always a lazy morning, a day for laundering her school uniform and helping out at home.  She lay there unable to move. She knew she had to find her mother and have the talk. Her mother had never had the talk with her. Her mom had five daughters it may have slipped her mind, perhaps she thought one of her sisters had told her. Marva had to figure out what menstruation was by herself, and she had never realised that human reproduction was actually the same thing as being sexy and making love. Raised by Catholic parents of the older generation, she would never dream of discussing or asking inquisitive questions relating to sex or boys or bodily functions, she was a nice girl, a respectable girl she was told. She was so surprised by the intensity and all the sensations being with someone unlocked, they never talked about that in Sex Ed or Biology. She remembers laughing about NO feelings with her friends during the awkward video they saw at school, but why did no one ever tell her about Yes!! feelings? That's what got her here. Here. She lay in bed, and then, her door opened and her mom came in. She rolled over in bed. "Marva, come, it's time to get up, you can't sleep the whole day there's things that must get done. Marva? Do you hear me? Come." Her mom pushed the covers aside and sat on the edge of her bed. Marva could hear her mom's expression, hear the questions about to come, hear the shame, the tension about to unfold that would change her life. "What's the matter? Come get up." Her mom clucked at her. She rolled over in bed, furiously fighting her tears, knowing the moment had come. She could tell her mom now and mom would know how to handle dad. "Mom, I have to tell you something, " She started to say, her body trembling with fear for the anger and disappointment that she anticipated was about to follow. "Mom, I dont know how to... Mom, um... I'm pregnant." Her mother looked at Marva's face, her eyes searching and then locked with her daughters. For a moment Marva thought her mom would break down and cry, but she saw her emotion shift, composed. "I know." The room felt heavy, breath short and laboured. "I know Marva, I've been waiting for you to come to me. I know you're pregnant, I've known for awhile." Her mom took a deep breathe, chest puffed out, tilted her head head back and rubbing her hands put them in her lap, she was a strong woman, survived many obstacles and challenges in her own life, having Marva, against doctors advice, at 45 was not one of them. "This baby is a blessing, don't let anyone say any different. This baby will be loved and provided for. Now, come. You must tell your father." Marva lay there unable to speak. Tell her father? She had thought her mom would take care of that. Tell her father? She couldnt, the man had had such a hard life growing up, he was getting on in years, he was almost 65, she couldnt be one of the disappointments, how could she, she loved her father so much, his stern ways was what drove the family, the ultimate patriarch, the doting husband, beloved Grandfather and strict father. Her father loved his family, his church and working in the community which he grew up in. He was a hard worker, when his eldest son had started delivering newspapers at 13, he passed the paper route along to his siblings, Marva, the youngest had always delivered papers, up at 6am to do her section of the route 5 days a week. Her dad still got up 7 days a week and delivered newspapers, even though he had retired, even being the Justice of the Peace, he did his part. "Don't be afraid of hard work!" he would tell them, "Its what built this family!" Her father was the most proud of his family, the sheer size of it, the wonder of having them all over for celebrations, the joy it gave him to impart his wisdom and pave a way for their future. "Education is something no one can take from you, I've given you children the very best! A class!" He was so proud of having all his children go through Catholic Education, world class private schools. He didn't mind making sacrifices to make it happen and even when he had so little he made sure everyone had enough, not just the family, anyone who knocked on his door was greeted with dignity and kindness, a plate of food, hospitality, conversation and lots of laughter. Didnt  matter if you were the bum on the corner or the Mayor of the city, her father welcomed you. Disappointment, as one gets older either eventually doesn't phase you, you brush it aside, look for the positive and plow forward, you lower your expectations but never your standards; or you carry it, stone by stone you load that burden on your shoulders and it molds and forms and pushes down reminding you, you are human, breakable, fragile, imperfect. Its part of building character, its how we grow, we see our failures and learn from them. When our children are born, we envision a future for them, we project our hopes and dreams down their life path for them, we try to guide them, help them grow in the right direction avoiding pitfalls and collisions. However we are not in the drivers seat, or even the passenger seat, parents are more like the previous cars owner, and they loved that car! 

Ducks' Adventure

A duck was wading in a pond on a cold autumn evening, when she thought to herself. Self, it would be really nice to have some company! She flapped her wings and flew out of the pond. The leaves on the trees were turning brown and gold, as she flew she saw a hummingbird. Hello, would you like to join me for a night adventure she asked. Oh no, no, ,no, too busy far too busy and away the hummingbird flitted. She was disappointed but carried on flying. She came upon a flamingo standing on one leg. Would you like to join me for an evening adventure she asked. Oh no, yawned the flamingo, I'm far too busy, and he closed his eyes and went to sleep. Duck thought that was a little rude, but being a polite duck, she carried on flying, she came upon a woodpecker on an oak tree. Hello, she said, would you like to join me on an evening adventure? Tap, tap, tap said the woodpecker, too busy to reply. Duck sighed and flew onward. She was spreading her wings dipping and soaring when she saw a swallow, hello, she said would you like to join me for and evening adventure? The swallow smiled at her, and said I would but I, am far too busy playing with my friends. And away he flew. Duck was soaring when she saw a beautiful pond with lily pads and she heard frogs croaking and what was that? It sounded like a duck, or maybe it was a hen. She flew closer to see. She came upon a hen, blindfolded and counting. Um excuse me she said, what are you doing and what is that sound. The hen removed the blindfold and smiled, hello! I'm playing hide and seek with ny friend frog but he has the hic cups so its not very fun, would you like to play? It could be fun. Duck explained to hen that she was looking for an evening adventure, she told her about hummingbird, flamingo, woodpecker and swallow and how they were all so busy, too busy for an adventure. Hen thought for a moment. You know she said that sounds like an amazing adventure you have had tonight meeting all those birds! Duck thought for a moment, why yes, she thought, yes it has been and now she really wanted to play with hen, so they did and they played and laughed all evening until mommy duck called the duck back home , she told mommy about her adventure, and she was so pleased to hear her little duck so happy.